In My Deep Breaths

Wow, so after 5 years of deserting this page, it still welcomes me. Hello and 안녕하세요 to anyone who reads this blog...all our 5 followers lol. I (Chicken), moved to Korea in the hopes of furthering my education and many things have happened that should have been on this blog but I lost the passion to write or even express myself. Today, something happened that brought me here, which also reminded me of how far I have come and I need to release the piled up word traffic in my system. Please excuse my typos, I'm still recovering and would eventually see to them lol.

I normally tend to write when I am emotional. It helps release the anxiety and helps me breath. For those who might read this and know me as the girl always throwing major banter and shade...surprise😁😁. Today, I am very sober and thought I'd get something out here. It doesn't happen everyday so please bare with me. And yes, the sarcasm will probably return right after this emotional vomit. this is really personal and I barely talk about this, I'm fighting myself to lay it all down bare. Bare with me and at least enjoy the read.

 As I grew up till I was about 12 years old, I was a normal sized (I lie, I was a little bit too skinny), hyperactive, loud, tomboy who had maybe a little bit too much energy?💪(I wasn't afraid to throw the boys a challenge). Then puberty hit me in the oesophagus and left a scar called anaemia...my luck right? It got really bad (You should hear the story of how I fell out the bathtub and lay there for a few minutes to gather strength just to get up and stumble to my room😂 I can laugh about it now) and I lost a lot of weight, I didn't have much strength so my parents took me to the doctors, found out what was wrong and tried different medication to help me out, even Homeopathy(Yep, we learn something new everyday).

So eventually, we came across Faemoglobin!!! I could eat a horse a few days on that, mind you before all this I had a healthy appetite. A few weeks and half the bottle later, I had gained weight, still don't know how (may have been puberty and whatever was in that medicine) but I gained a dress size. My mother saw the effects and asked me to stop taking the medicine but I think the damage was already done. I couldn't shift the pounds but instead I kept gaining the weight.

By age 14/15, I was a UK size 12 and anytime I heard 'You've become fat' or 'You should maybe lose weight' or even the occasional fat joke, I felt like 'why should I even try? Do people think I don't have a mirror? Do they think I like not being able to fit in my clothes?' I lost the will to workout or diet and when I did, I did in secret so no one would see. I lost my self confidence with it too. I tried any kind of diet I'd hear off, I went a week on tuna and sweet corn Loool...yes ewww. I tried working out too and that worked till I was broke and couldn't pay for the gym.

Age 16/17(UK dress size 14) I started swimming with Noodles and my siblings. I won't say I was near good but I didn't drown lol, well until I had a panic attack in water and nearly drank some chlorine and human juices filled concoction😂😂😂. From that day I feared water like a plague. In college I went swimming with friends, didn't tell them of my fears and tried to swallow it all up. I got in the water and was so afraid I could not do anything. They laughed at me and I took it in stride though it didn't do much for my confidence. So that was it for swimming; fear and never again. But I was so caught up on weight loss, which wasn't even happening, I forgot about the anaemia itself😢 (Oh, the dizziness and headaches/migraines I've lived through 😫😩)

Fast forward to 2011(UK dress size 16/18), I got myself a scholarship to Korea and moved over to start over. Thanks to the wonderful people in my life, even though I wasn't the size I wanted to be, I was comfortable and confident in my skin. I love myself and yes, I wanted to lose weight but I wasn't in a rush or in no competition or had any disappointment towards staying big forever.

I started Taekwondo and I absolutely love it. My instructor constantly helped and pushed me to work harder. I took lessons 5 days a week but I wasn't eating well. I'd drink yoghurt and go practice then have dinner and that was it for the day. I lost weight to an average size 16. So one day in class during sparing, I maybe pushed too hard and passed out in class. That was the first of many signs to come but I paid no mind. I lay there till I gain conscience and balance and took things slower. That caused me to lose interest and went to Taekwondo less and tried fad diets and medicine that would make me lose a stone in a week then gain a stone and a half when I stopped😫. I gained weight again to a size 18/20 and went back to Taekwondo. This time during practice I felt a lot of pain in my knee so I was advised to quit and shed some weight first before trying again. I'm a proud blue belt on Taekwondo.

I tried yoga but the classes but yoga needs the knee unless you take healing yoga. It got painful so I quit. And since I couldn't afford healing yoga, I quit working out all together. Tried the fad diet again (weight loss injections, yep they have that too) and got some nasty side effects. A doctor advised me to quit it and I did once again and that was early 2013. I was having problems with my body too. Anaemia was slowing wearing me down. I constantly felt weak, I could bare wake up in the mornings for university. I literally have to talk myself into wake up every morning(30% because I hate university too). I couldn't sleep at night and still sometimes can't and other times I just want to sleep. Well that didn't really help my case much. I heard lots of 'You are so lazy', 'Stop being so lazy', lazy this, lazy that, even sometimes from friends and family. Sometimes I just wish I could switch them into my body to feel the amount of brain power it was taking to keep me even talking. I get very grumpy when it's really bad as opposed to my normal bubbly self.

Around late July 2014, I woke up wanting to swim. Obviously the fear passed by to say hi but I reasoned it away with the fact that swimming was easier on the knees, I could keep healthy and probably lose weight at it. So I dragged my cousin with me to find a class; I didn't say it but I needed the moral support and he even paid for it. I faced my fears and I believe starting the lessons from scratch also helped. A year on, I know all 4 basic swim styles and a level 3 swimmer. Before the end of 2014, I realised the huge damage not taking care of the anaemia had done to my body. Not only were the above symptoms of severe lack of iron, I had got to a point where under my eyes were pale with no sign of blood. Let me help you visualise this, it took near 10 seconds for me to bleed if I cut myself(not deliberately) and when I say bleed, I mean like less than a drop. I found myself breathless most of the time but I didn't want people telling me 'it's because you are fat/unhealthy', which wasn't true because I swam everyday! I got really ill in late November and December but going home for a few months strengthened me up a bit.

Late February/early March this year, I woke at early in the morning and I couldn't breathe. And woke my cousin up to take me to the hospital. After, God knows how many tests, they still don't know exactly what's wrong but tests show that though I have nothing physically wrong with my lungs, it works at 74% instead of the normal 100%, so I quit going to the hospital and pushed on with swimming. Turns out that long term breathlessness is also a symptom of Anaemia. My mum has me on very good iron pills which I take diligently and I don't mess with my meat too as a doctor recommended. 

Any swimmer knows breathing is important with swimming. Holding your breath longer = better speed. In short, this breathlessness does not help, I can't breathe well, therefore I can't hold my breath long, so the more I push, the more I feel like out of breath and sometimes I don't even know how I even held on that long. I have to take breaks from swimming when my chest feels tight just to breath till it eases a little then I continue. I felt a little shame in telling my instructor till last month when I realised the class was getting intense and I felt like my pausing to breathe was a disruption for the others in class. I've nearly drowned myself when I got too confident but thank God all I did was drink pool water and cough my lungs out, till I can laugh, laugh it off and jump back in again. Who cares about their sore knees when you can't breathe huh? Well about the knee, it feels a little better till I try and do something that shifts too much weight on it. These days I barely feel the pain till I squat so yay me!

 This brings me to my sobering moment today in class. We had to split up and race. The moment I heard that my heart dropped. All I thought of was letting my team down. So we did I trial run and as I feared, I was in the lead till I had to breath, gave in and lost. I felt bad but the team kept my spirits up. They don't know what I'm going through but they just kept pointing out how fast I was before I got up to breath and that I shouldn't worry about the loss. We went on to the second race against the other class. Their instructor came up to me and said jovially to me in particular in English, 'you will lose'. So I said to him in Korean, 'Because you have said that, I have to win'. This time I swam over 5/6 of the distance before I felt to breath but I didn't quit (maybe partly because I heard my instructor shout my name every time I stopped to breath 😂😂😂), I stood up and took a huge breath before diving back in and finishing my lap. We won twice, by just a few seconds. Though we won, I felt bad for my team. Our chances of a clean win was spoiled by me. So when it was all over and I stood dizzy in the shower and breath heavy for the next out to regain my conscience and balance, I reminisce on the near failure. But I also reminisced on my near wins, on not giving up and on how far persevering has got me within a year!

I've seen an improvement under my eyes with blood streaks popping up slowly. I feel a bit more energetic in the mornings. Most of all, I DIDN'T GIVE UP!!! I've swam through my fears and limitations. I still have a long way to go but I'm very proud of the God given strength that I draw from even at my weakest. I'm grateful for the laughter I find in all things, good and bad. I'm thankful for the persevering spirit even if it's born out of pure adrenaline rush lol.

 Why did I decide to open up today? I didn't write this for anybody to pity or patronise me. I don't need any of that. I've kicked major ass every time I put my mind to it and I don't plan on quitting anytime soon. I'm returning to Taekwondo next year and will push till I'm black belt. I decided to stay in level 2 swimming 1 more month with the instructor whose been helping me push and adjust to a faster pace for level 3. So this is not for anyone to act different around me. But I believe maybe someday, someone would read this and be encouraged whatever they are going through. Keep the fire burning even if it burns low or doesn't look like it will last because you'll never know how much energy you can exert till you are pushed to your limits. If you are reading this and need encouragement through whatever it may be, remember no one hold the pen to your story but you, you can cancel out the negatives and/or rewrite the happy endings yourself. More VIM!!!

 This is for all those who put me down or laughed at my failures, your laughter and criticism help me push for the best. You may know a few lines or chapters but you don't know my full story and I'm no where near done writing. And to my amazing loved ones who kept me pushing through knowing or unknowingly, when I get to a point of giving up, I think of you and push harder because I refuse to let you or myself down. Thank you for being there and God keep blessing you! I love you all even if we don't speak as much no more, you are still on my mind and in my heart, forever!